I'm sad.

 Sometimes I browse through pictures taken by various photographers and I can't help but to feel a little sad. When I see prom pictures I am reminded of my terrible senior prom experience and how badly I wish I didn't attend. A part of me wished that I could have dressed differently and got my hair/makeup done differently so I would have had nicer photos. It's been almost four years and I still remember everything so clearly.

I also feel sad when I come across photoshoot pictures of couples. I keep telling myself to accept the fact that I am practically the same height and size as my bf, but I can't. I always feel so embarrassed and when I think about this, I start tearing up uncontrollably like what is happening right now. I start to think about a lot of "if only..." statements. If only our height difference was a little bit bigger... If only I was skinnier and smaller... It affects me so much to the point where I refuse to hold hands or hug in public because it makes me uncomfortable.

I wish I can wear girly clothes like skirts and dresses without looking big and fat. I would love to have some nice photos in nice clothes, but my body (and clearly, my confidence level) is not suited for that. 

I am disappointed in myself because I am quick to compliment and praise others because I want every girl to feel beautiful and to love and respect their bodies, but I am quicker to reject myself. Everyday (in real life and on social media) I try to create this image of an independent, perfect girl who doesn't let small insecurities bring her down. Some days I crash and I evaluate myself over and over again. I hope this will come to an end one day.


No Self-Respect

Some girls have no self-respect. (By girls, I actually mean young adults by the way. ) I noticed that a lot of girls on Instagram post pictures from photo shoots where at minimum, they are covering their boobs and butts. They call themselves "models" in their bio just because they own these kinds of pictures, display them on the Internet, and attract boys calling them "hot" or "sexy" and commenting other very dirty things. Is that really called modeling? That is more like sex appeal. It's a shame that girls feel the need to do that to feel pretty. It's an even more shame because it's like they are asking to be objectified. It's fine if they are modelling clothes such as bikinis or skirts, but they aren't. They are not trying to wear clothes because they're purposely trying to display their entire body. Again, they want to be a sex appeal. What surprised me even more (even though it really shouldn't have) is that the photographers are always male. Male photographers who shoot multiple naked women. Why? Because they want to be famous on Instagram and they like to look at naked girls so it's a win-win for them? It's such a weird thought and I have no good comments to say about these people. Being a girl myself, I feel embarrassed sometimes that other girls choose to be photographed by males and pose in very scandalous ways and wear revealing clothes (or should I say not wear anything). Through a series of events with help from the stupid Explore page on Instagram, I stumbled upon one photographer who shoots Asian girls exactly as I have explained earlier. But the camera he uses is... his iPhone! A phone?? And he said something about it doesn't matter what camera he has, he is blessed to be able to take pictures of these beautiful women. Okay as a girl myself, I feel very embarrassed for those girls and for my gender in general. How do they have so little self-respect to put themselves in these kinds of situations? I guess this is something I will never understand...